I stumbled into a collection of artists’ performance riders at The Smoking Gun, and it is by far the funniest, most interesting stuff I’ve seen on that site. Quick roundup:

There’s a lot of booze and beer, yes, but almost everyone has Gatorade.

There are brands of non-alcoholic beer BESIDES O’Douls and Sharps? (The Monkees)

Def Leppard seems awfully regimented. And somehow I can picture “VID SUTHERLAND” in my head — bald, mustache, thin sideburns, sunglasses, perhaps prone to riding a motorcycle backstage.

The jokes are obvious on the Ashlee Simpson rider, but I like the gentle teasing of her sound crew.

I also must find out what a “tactile transducer” is.

Of course, she and her band eat like they’re in high school.

What weighs 68,500 pounds? KISS and their gear, including a 50-foot-high rigging to “fly” Paul Stanley to the front of the house.

The Pixies don’t need that type of rig, but please provide a NEW deck of cards. And after dinner, it’s time for “desert.”

After reading a bunch of demands from whiny vegans, I gained a bit of respect for Creed‘s anti-tofu stand.

How does Cowboy Junkies lead singer Margo Timmins stay so thin drinking non-diet soda and whole milk?

From the “ewwww” department, though I’ll give them points for reading the paper.

And a classic from Guns ‘N Roses, where Axl needs his Wonder bread and Dom Perignon (silly Axl — you’re supposed to serve Korbel with Wonder bread) and the band is happy with its “assortment of adult magazines.”

I always wanted to be a rock star, and I’m reaching the point in my life where it’s safe to say it won’t happen. But here’s a look at what might’ve been … things I would’ve included on my performance rider:

• Rye toast
• My very specific kind of orange juice — enriched with calcium and vitamin D, no pulp. Actually, anything with no pulp, since store’s supplies of the calcium/vitamin D Minute Maid can be erratic.
• Please don’t call me by my real name.
• Access to a swingset. OK, that’s optional.
• Pizza, one night a week only. Pepperoni.
• Burger night, one night a week.
• Two short words, one hyphen: Wi-fi. Secure.
• Sure, I’ll have some Gatorade.
• No tofu, no mushrooms. No mayo on my sandwiches. No peanut butter on my chocolate.
• Yellow bananas.
• Hotel must not be too fancy.
• Backstage crew not allowed to wear Yankees caps.
• And finally — North Carolina venues must serve barbecue.