Star Wars: Behind the blasters

VH1 interviews the gang:

C3PO: “Well, we started to have our doubts about Kenobi when we investigated the Jawa transport. He said the blast marks were too precise for the local sand people and could only have been made by Imperial stormtroopers. Excuse me? Imperial stormtroopers? Those guys couldn’t hit the Jawa transport if it were just on the other side of the Death Star’s thermal exhaust port. I walked right through a firefight before we landed on this dump, and I’m not known for my bravery, sir.”

SAND PEOPLE: “Yeah, we actually attacked the Jawa transport. Instead of riding single-file to hide our numbers, we rode side-by-side to make them think Imperial stormtroopers did it. Can’t believe Kenobi bought it.”

SCANNER CREW, DEATH STAR: “Wait a minute. You mean we can scan a escape pod that took off from Leia’s ship and determine instantly that it has no life forms, but a ship winds up in our tractor beam bay, and we actually have to go into the freaking thing to see if anyone’s there? And we’re not even wearing body armor. What if someone’s in there? Good thing they forgot about me and I was able to stow away on the ship and join the rebellion. I’m on Hoth now — I just signed up as a rear gunner on Luke’s speeder.”

TIE FIGHTER DISPATCHER: “When the Millennium Falcon took off from the Death Star, I radioed four fighters to intercept. Well, no one told ME Lord Vader had put a freaking tracking device on the ship. If those guys could shoot worth squat, rest their souls, we’d STILL be looking for the rebel fortress. So they canned me, tossed me on a Tie fighter and told me to take off for the nearest planet. Turned out to be a big break for me, since the Death Star got blown up and all, but I’m still a little pissed. You think they could’ve used four more Tie fighters in that battle? I bet the guy who forgot to tell me about the tracking device feels pretty stupid right now.”

X-WING FIGHTER DESIGNER: “You know, I wanted to install a rear-facing blaster on that ship, but noooo. They all laughed. ‘As if a Tie fighter is ever going to be chasing us down a trench in which we can’t maneuver,’ they said. Dumbasses.”

PORKINS (appearing as hologram from the netherworld): “In retrospect, do you think maybe the second team of X-Wings should’ve flown into the trench behind the Tie fighters and shot ’em down from behind rather than just flying around and watching us get blown up here?”

HAN: “So we show up at the medal ceremony, and I’m thinking it’s just going to be four or five of us since no one came back from the battle except me, Luke and that Wedge guy. But then they have hundreds of pilots in formation. Why were they giving me such a hard time about attacking the Death Star? Did these guys have notes from their doctor? What are they going to do back at base, fling themselves in front of a planet-destroying beam from the Death Star?”

LEIA: “Well, as it turned out, we couldn’t pay Han much of a reward. We checked my father’s will, and all he left me was a bunch of real estate on Alderaan, so …”

WEDGE: “Not to complain or anything, but when did R2D2 and 3PO become Luke’s droids. 3PO clearly said he belonged to Captain Wedge Antilles. They were a gift to my father from Senator Organa when he was taking one of these two twins to Alderaan while Obi-Wan Kenobi was going to Tatooine with the other … hey, wait a minute …”


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